


Alchemic Timelines

by majiwario (orphan_account)



Series: Brand New Sentences [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Tags Contain Spoilers, Time Travel, Timey-Wimey, Underage Drug Use, actual publishing date 27 Feb 2019, but thats way less fun, crack plot, there are no oc's in this fic that's the spoiler the end, wibbly-wobbly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1955-11-05
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 10:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/majiwario
Summary: Alphonse and Edward help two men called Mr. Coattails and Mr. Jeans to eradicate a drug from their century and timeline known as "weed".the underage warning doesn't apply unless "underage weed-ing" counts as doing something you're not meant to whilst underagewarning: I'm not funny





	1. Drawing Time Portals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheMusicalBookworm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMusicalBookworm/gifts).



> New series! Fun! Basically, how this is going to work, is I take stupid, out of context quotes me or my friends have said, and make a plot out of them. Or at least attempt to.  
> The fic's quote is a bit of a spoiler, but it will be in the end notes if you care to see it.

Bang! Huff... The Elric brothers woke up, startled, and confused beyond belief. They glanced up, and found that:

• Their bedroom door had been broken.

• Their window had been smashed.

• Part of their bedroom door appears to have been tossed out the window.

• A blonde man in dreadlocks wearing a red tuxedo with coattails as long as Rapunzel's hair had kicked open the door. He was accompanied with another man, wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

"You're Edward n' Alphonse, ain'tcha?" Mr. Coattails asked.

"Yes... And who are you?" the brothers replied.

"I'm Mr. Coattails, of course! And this is Mr. Jeans!"

"What are your real names?"

"Okay, so our century has been affected with... a situation... which is turning all of the people into insane, delusional wackjobs. Your century and timeline seems to be unaffected. Pack your shit and get going."

"Going where?" Al asked, confused.

"You're staying here!"

"But you just said..?"

"I lied, you're fucking going nowhere, now pack your shit."

 

After the boys, grumbling and whining, reluctantly packed their stuff, Mr. Jeans took it upon himself to draw a portal on the floor.

"Neither of you were alive in the 23rd century, were you?" he asked.

"Obviously not!? This is the 19th century, you dolts!!" Ed snapped.

"Great, then we should be all good! Step into that drawing there, and we can get going."

The brothers blinked, not believing their eyes! Glancing out of their now-repaired window...There were a bunch of people wearing clothes like those of Mr. Jeans, staring at tiny light-boxes and slightly larger, foldable light boxes with letters on them. Others were walking around, eyes red, looking equally as amazed at their surroundings as the Elric brothers were.

Mr. Jeans said "Don't be fooled, brothers. These people aren't amazed because all of this technology is brand new, no, this has been the norm for centuries, in fact. Welcome to our century, the 23rd century. There is a popular drug in this century known as 'weed' that everyone in this time is addicted to. They aren't amazed... they're blazed. We need you to help us trace us back to the timeline and century in which weed was discovered..."

"And get rid of it all for you." Alphonse finished.

"Yes. However, be warned, this is an incredibly dangerous journey."

 

Mr. Coattails and Mr. Jeans knew they shouldn't travel to centuries and timelines in which they existed in, but they both knew that the situation was dire. And they were the only people who they knew could get rid of weed for all eternity, in every timeline. They were sure they could do it, paradoxes be damned.


	2. How To Time Travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed and Al are taught how to time travel by Mr. Jeans and Mr. Coattails.

"Okay, now it's time to go somewhere. Grab that shit you packed and follow me."

The brothers followed Mr. Jeans and Mr. Coattails over to a room where they found strange colored plastic line... things, which were hooked up to a watch.

"These are called wires. Don't be amazed at them. They are not amazing," Mr. Coattails said, "What you bunch should be gawking at is the watch."

The watch looked like a normal analog watch, just styled differently to the watches they wore. 

"I suppose I should elaborate. Mr. Coattails and I have made a watch with a time portal at the back of it. These wires charge the watch and make it able to time travel, and if the watch runs out of charge, time stops. This, of course, means your watch should never be even a second early or late. Anyway, we're going to be giving you these." Mr. Jeans explained.

"Press that side button to change the time on the watch. Don't fuck it up. Draw that portal dealy on the ground to a place, change the watch time, and yay. You're done. Now that we've given you that and taught you how to use it, help us out dearly by NOT FUCKING TOUCHING IT UNTIL WE'VE FOUND OUT WHAT TIMELINE AND CENTURY WEED WAS FIRST DISCOVERED! I don't plan on searching time and fucking space for your incompetent asses." Mr. Coattails added.

The four did hours upon hours, days upon days of research on weed, finding no exact date of discovery no matter how much they tried. To Mr. Jeans, it seemed as if everyone was too busy smoking weed to care about ridding themselves of their addictions. He thought it was a shame. And Alphonse had a question about the time watch invading his thoughts. He had to ask it.

"Why do we have to draw the second portal?"

Mr. Coattails supplied his answer, "I didn't realise your entire thin, miniscule body was that small that it could fit inside of a watc-"

"Maybe you should drink milk, Alp-" Mr. Jeans and Mr. Coattails began cutting each other off.

"Never suggest that to an innocent child! As I was saying. First off, you haven't been shrunk by a shrink ray, insolent brat! Second off, drawing the second portal finalises your destination. Unless you feel like travelling to the inside of your watch. Anyway, I hope you two are damn good artists."


	3. Burn the Weed!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Coattails tells the boys his plan to get rid of weed forever.

"Hmm... we're getting fucking nowhere." Mr. Coattails complained, frustrated and impatient.

"Well, I guess we'll just go trial and error. I mean, we've already discovered that the timeline of these two men seems to be unaffected. So I guess we only need to find the century. It'll be fine, Coat." his companion encouraged.

"I don't like trial and error but I suppose it's really the only solution. Let's go... to... Hmm..." 

"What's your favourite century, Coat?"

"The Victorian Era... like, the Industrial Era, Mr. Jeans! Isn't that obvious?! You know that's why I dress so dapper! Doesn't it make me look so fucking stylish and refined!?"

"Yes, yes it does... I'll open up the portal and take us to the 18th century, Tails. Okay?"

"I'm so motherfucking excited!" 

"I feel like I'm your dad, not your brother."

"Shut up, Jeans."

 

They all jumped into the portal which Mr. Jeans had opened for them and they were greeted with slums, shit, rats, and garbage. Mr. Coattails was ecstatic at the sight of it. The homeless on the streets stared in absolute shock as four men dressed in clean, strange looking outfits all fell out of the sky.

"Ugh, landed on my fucking ass. Hope I didn't land in a shitty spot." Edward whined.

"This is really it, huh?! Thanks, Jeanie Genie!!! You'll like it one day, Ed. Now... Time to get to business!" Mr. Coattails rambled in complete joy and pure, unadulterated happiness.

"What will we need to do while we're here? I mean, this whole ordeal sounds like it will be diffic-" Alphonse started saying.

"Hello, kind sir, have you ever heard of a drug called weed? Cannabis?" Mr. Jeans asked one of the homeless people.

"Oh, yes, it was just recently discovered, too."

"I stand corrected." Alphonse said, monotone, and frankly, disappointed.

"Do you know where I can buy some?" Mr. Jeans questioned.

"You didn't seem like the type, honestly. But go into any alleyway you can find and you'll find it. It'll cost money, but looking at your friend here, you guys got that."

"Speaking of money, here's some for you. Bye now!"

 

They wandered around the filthy, shit-riddled streets of London until they found an alleyway. 

"So here's the fucking plan, pipsqueaks. Hope you fucks are patient because we'll be staying here until they go to get more drugs. We go follow them and see where they get the shipments from. We burn the fucker down. Any questions? The answer is fucking no because you should be listening to me."

"I think he's moving! Finally!" Edward exclaimed after a tedious 5 hours sitting on their asses, criss-cross applesauce until their legs were numb. They all followed him up to a ship with tons and tons of crates inside.

"Hey, incompetents. Don't just stand there. Get up on the boat! Ed, alchemy us a path there, won't you?"

"Do it yourself, old man." Ed grumbled, even though he still complied with Mr. Coattails' command. 

A long ship ride later, where their only food was food that Ed and Al packed before they left, they arrived at the drug plant farms.

"Ed. Al. Burn it all down. I can't do it myself, you know. Mr. Jeans is the alchemist here. He makes the watches."

Mr. Jeans and Mr. Coattails watched in awe as all of the drugs in their town burned to a crisp.

"As a reward for your help: You're me, Ed. In the future, you look sexy as fuck. Trust me, I know. And Al, you're Mr. Jeans. Those are our names. We aren't meant to say that because of timey-wimey paradoxes or whatever, but honestly, who cares. We can just say we're twins, because we have the same birthday and all. Call me Tails, or Coat, though. Same with Jeanie over here. Calling him Al would be weird, and confusing."

After they got extremely high because of the sheer stupidity of burning a drug which you are meant to smoke to try to get rid of it, Tails and Jeanie started rambling over when to go next.

"Let's go to my favourite century! We went to yours!"

"And what's your favourite century, Jeanie?"

"The 21st century! That might as well have been an entirely new Industrial Revolution, you know."

"I guess you're fucking right. And I guess it isn't rat infested, which is a bonus. Let's go. If you two fucks feel like joining, you can. And, you guys were totally alive in the 23rd century. Fucking liars."

"Why couldn't we just burn the weed in the 23rd century?" Edward asked.

"Would have been too late. Weed would have been everywhere by then. If it's just been discovered, there wouldn't have been a whole lotta time to ship it anywhere."

"Fair enough."

"Live with us, incompetents. I'm sure that time traveling is going to be way more fun than risking your life every second of the damn day."

"Sure, old man."

"Hey, Ed..?" Al asked.

"Yeah?"

"Is Tails shorter than you? Maybe if you drink milk you can stop that fro-"

He earned a "Shut up!" from both Tails and Ed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus:
> 
> Jeans stared at his light box, which Ed and Al were informed was called a "phone".  
> He smiled sweetly at it, and typed a message into it.
> 
> "Thank you for reading this! I appreciate it!"
> 
> Tails took it and added his two cents. "If this is shit, fucking tell me. Be honest. Anyway, I hope you all are having a great day. Or even just a day. That's good enough for me."
> 
> Tails glanced over at Ed and Al. 
> 
> "And you two. If you ever want to get lit in the 18th century, you can. Weed still existed before we got rid of it, you know. It's just easier to find if it's already been discovered."
> 
> "It *was* fun..."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic's quote: "Getting lit in the 18th century!"


End file.
